Happy Tacky Fabulous Hula Birthday/High School Reunion to Me!

The Tacky Fabulous Road Trip has begun! I'm in New Jersey, witnessing snow for the first time in 5 years. Right now, I'm on my way to a big party at my step-brother's house in Montclair (TV home of Tony Soprano) where he and his Wall Street friends will drink wine from a bottle and not a box. It's a far cry from Mike-aritas in the cul-de-sac of my neighborhood! Then later, I'm hooking up with old friends to start my birthday weekend/reunion celebration!

My birthday is not until Tuesday, but I'm one of those dorks who feels entitled to special treatment during a one-month period surrounding the big day. My best friend Kristen chalks it up as a character flaw.

Anyway, I already have a skip in my step and a sway in my hips because yesterday, Eddie the UPS guy delivered the most tacky fabulous birthday present ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Hawaii chair - also known as the hula chair. If you didn't see it on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, here's how it works: You sit in it, and it spins around in a little hula motion while you watch Dancing with the Stars, eat dinner, pay bills, watch online porn...anything!

"It combines the ancient art of hula with a 28,000 rpm motor that takes the work out of workout." I think I love this almost as much as the Tony Little gazelle!

They've even got a tacky fabulous infomercial! "If you can sit, you can get fit...the Hawaii chair, la dee dah..."

Ripped from the Headlines: "There is somebody who is taping women's rear ends"

Don't get confused like I did...the person doing the taping is not using masking tape or even the duct variety. The perp in question is VIDEOtaping rear-ends, which makes the whole thing much less interesting.

In spite of the ho-hum nature of this Orlando-based story, it seems to be gaining popularity this week, making its way through the local news channels and even to the networks, under the heading : "UCF Police Warn of Backside Photographer".

"Disturbing"..."Creepy Voyeur Terrorizing Campus"..."Outrage"...

Sure, I agree, it's definitely a dude with too much free time (we'll agree it's a dude, right?), but he was shooting the videos in public places, not with some icky toilet cam or the old mirror-on-the-shoe trick. These were girls (and a few guys) just hanging out in public places wearing their everyday duds. Is that really terrorizing? Not any more terrorizing than watching CNN run the same "obesity" footage with the anonymous "from the waist to the knees" pix. How come nobody's calling out Dr. Sanjay Gupta?

The irony, of course is that every news organization that ran this story used their own video of coed butts and broadcast them to a much larger audience than would have ever seen the clips on the internet.

I challenge you to find any of the 100 videos. Trust me, I googled every possible variation of the word "butt" and came up with nothing! There is, however, one unfortunate person on the UCF campus with the last name BUTTS, and there are plenty of stories about UCF teams getting their ASSES kicked and being at the BOTTOM of some rankings. Booty, hiney, badunkadunk, posterior, arse, bootay, buns, junk in the trunk...nothing!

So the real tragedy here is that someone took the time to shoot hours of video and post it online, but made no effort in the marketing of the piece. There are plenty of places where he could have found information on how to quickly and easily move his vids up in the Google rankings. What could have been the successor to the Girls Gone Wild empire (which was named by USA Today as one of the '25 trends that changed America') will now just be chalked up as a big PR flop.

For more information on how to successfully market your creepy online videos, visit www.publicitychick.com

photo courtesy of New York Post/Isaac Guzman blog

Further Proof That Orlando is the Headquarters for Crappy

The Crappie USA tournament took place in Sanford on Lake Monroe over the weekend. It was a regional wildcard event, so you know. According to Seminole Magazine, this is "the third time there has been a Crappie Event at Lake Monroe." Ummm...I think that's a pretty humble estimate, especially if you're including that 3 day music extravaganza last year that attracted a total of 40 people - it sucked out loud.

I love the new RiverWalk there in Sanford, though!

If I sound a bit jaded about the crappy tournament , it's just because I'm jealous. As thrilling and exciting as it is to be the President of Tacky Fabulous Enterprises, I have come to find out there is a guy who has an even cooler title than mine: Larry Stephens is the National Promotions Director for Crappie USA, a division of the American Crappy Association. He also oversees events for Crappy Kids.

The organization has an online crappy store with a bunch of crappy merchandise, like crappy hats, crappy jewelry, and crappy books.

And they even have Crappy Recipes, including "Grandma Grant's Corn Flake Crappie," which I can appreciate because I come from a long line of crappy cooks.

photo courtesy of fish 'n flush

Tacky Fabulous Cher Hair If You Dare...

An upcoming high school reunion can make a girl do crazy things, especially when the reunion is in New Jersey. Try going back without some really big hair, superlong nails, and a fake bake tan and they may just boot your ass out.

In preparation for the big event, I know I should be conditioning my hair in addition to a regular routine of binging and purging, but I opted instead to take the easy way out and get hair extensions.

My best friend says that my hair, along with my Orlando pole dancing aerobics class solidifies my status as a cheesy, Whitesnake-wanna-be-groupie. For the record, I don't even like Whitesnake...I like Bon Jovi.

I love my new hair, except for a few things: The little glue tips that adhere the fake stuff to my natural locks feel a lot like a headful of tics. That's bad. Not nearly as uncomfortable though, as the fact that 6 months ago, before it made the move to Central Florida to be with me, this hair was on somebody else's head. True Dat. It's somebody else's hair. My other best friend told me she threw up a little in her mouth when I told her that bit of info.

They do sterilize the hair first, though, and all the celebs do it, so could it be that bad? It definitely holds up to the "What would Jessica Simpson Do?" test that I run all my important decisions through. If extensions are good enough for the girl who played Daisy Duke, they're certainly good enough for me.

My stylist got all freaked out when I started asking about my hair donor - where is she from? What does she like to do? What are her dreams?

But really, is it that ridiculous to want to know the 411 when you are on the receiving end of an almost-body-part that was attached to someone else's head for 10 years? I need to know the karma and backstory that comes along with the hair. I consider this chick no less important to me than a surrogate. A follicle surrogate of sorts. I will love this hair as if it were my own.

I hope my hair donor was a geisha in Kyoto. I've always wanted to be a geisha, and I can play a mean shamisen, but at 5'8", they've never considered me a serious candidate for the program. But now at least, maybe I can live vicariously through my hair.

photo from Memoirs of a Geisha movie

Elvis' Nurse Has Left the Building...

Potential suitors beware...when you leave it up to me to decide what to do over the weekend, I WILL ALWAYS pick an Elvis memorabilia convention in the meeting room of a motel in Kissimmee.


That's how I rolled on Saturday at the 29th Annual Elvis Festival in the Radisson WorldGate to benefit one of my very favorite local charities - The Russell Home.

I knew I was in the right place when I entered the lobby, proceeded onward to the ladies room and saw a hand-written flyer for the event taped to the paper towel machine. As a publicist, I recognize a smart marketing tool when I see one; only people who wash their hands use the paper towel machines, thus if they don't wash their hands, you don't want them to see your flyer because you don't want them touching your Elvis memorabilia - DUH!!

On hand at the event - Elvis' innermost circle of friends and confidantes, including his nurse and someone who was once in a movie The King was in - just in a different scene. The guy, below, in the patriotic lid was once the co-pilot of the Elvis plane. The other guy is just your average snappy-dressing Orlando citizen.
The people were so super nice there and I even got a free Elvis sticker and a cassette tape called "A Visit with Elvis" by Charlotte Wilson. Ta Dah! I'm going to try and find someone with a cassette player so I can listen to it.
In the negative column was the fact that the Radisson convention hall smelled like old people. Understand, I LOVE old people and have even gotten up-close to several, but in large groups they tend to give off the strong aroma of Old Spice mixed with Dinty Moore canned-something-or-other. It's hard to explain. I'm definitely not blaming this group, because there was a craft convention held at the Radisson a few weeks earlier, so I'm pretty sure it was a left-over odor from another event.

Last but not least, the theme for the 2008 Elvis Orlando event was "Speedway." Here is the official song, from my program.

Happy Birthday Abe Vigoda!

Whew! I'm blogging just under the wire here to wish Abe Vigoda a very happy birthday! For all you wise asses who are going to chime in about him being dead, he's clearly not...he's alive, well, and staying in touch with friends on his myspace page.

Not that I should ever have to explain myself when talking about Abe Vigoda, but for the sake of keeping things topical to this site, let me point out that Abe does have an Orlando connection: On November 8, 1976, he appeared on a Dean Martin special. On December 19, 1976, Tony Orlando was on the Dean Martin Show, which makes Abe Vigoda only 2 degrees from Orlando.

As a side note: I went to the Orlando Elvis Convention this weekend...got some great pics....I'll post them tomorrow.

That was a rockin' appearance on Good Morning America - but can you fetch a newspaper?

It's almost impossible to open up the Orlando Sentinel lately and not see a story about "Tiny Dancer," the Lake County Chihuahua who is NOT the world record holder in the category of Smallest Dog.

As the "not quite" smallest dog in the world, Tiny is truly Orlando's media darling. He or she has made the front page of the Sentinel web page twice in the past week (including "Top Story" location on Friday). Go ahead and do a search, and you'll find a 16-image photo spread, including Tiny in a birthday hat, Tiny next to three cans of high-priced dog food, Tiny sniffing out the perfect spot to pee, and Tiny in a shirt that says "size doesn't matter."

There are no less than THREE full-length articles on Tiny in the past 9 months - the most recent falls under the heading, "Tiny Dancer Gets Job Skills After Losing Guinness Title". While you're on the site, check out the THREE professionally shot and edited videos of Tiny, including a soundbite from the Executive Director of the International Association of Canine Professionals. This is serious stuff.

Mitch English, the Orlando-based weather guy from the TV Show "The Daily Buzz" has dreams of getting one-quarter the attention Tiny Dancer commands in this town. At this point, Mitch's PR team has suggested he try talking more about Tiny Dancer so as to be quoted by Sentinel reporters in articles about Tiny.

Don't get me wrong - that dog is phenomenal and an awesome role model for all Central Florida canines, but Tiny stories are almost as played out out as Britney Spears, so until there's an expose about how he's getting it on with Rover Dance, I'm done reading!

Tiny photo courtesy of Tom Benitez/Orlando Sentinel

Bob Dance's dog and beautiful granddaughter at Bob Dance

Mitch English is that Jackass From TV

Check out These Melons!

A few updates for you from the Tacky Fabulous "World Record Department". For starters, "the World's Biggest Tea Party" is set for this weekend at Silver Spurs Arena. It's the "My Little Pony Live" event featuring Pinkie Pie and Minty performing "Shake Your Cutie." Sounds spectacular, but I can't follow up last week's Van Halen concert experience with that.

Also, a big congratulations to Disney for a tomato plant that set the World Record for "largest harvest from a single vine" (1,151 pounds). The cucumber tree made it into the record books, as well, and if that weren't enough, Disney is having great success growing Mickey melons. (Speaking of Mickey Melons, I heard she may be teaming up with Jenna Jameson for a new straight-to-vid flick. How fantastic would that be?)

According to the Disney website, the blending of horticulture and entertainment has sparked a hot new trend called "horti-tainment" - described as "the creation of some of the the most visually interesting fruits and vegetables found under one roof anywhere in the world."

Not since Jason Biggs warmed up to an apple dessert in American Pie has produce been this exciting!

Ponch does Orlando: But these CHiPs are Tortillas

The Orange County Sheriff's Department has me all messed up. Ever since their deputies started dressing in costumes to target speeders, I don't know who to trust anymore.

I think this is a copper,

and this is just a guy trying to drum up tax business.

So, that makes this a man who took an oath to serve and protect,

and this...this would be....

um...I don't know?! He was on 434 in Longwood today, either stealthily writing tickets, or trying to sell tacos, but I don't know which. I circled him a few times, and got close enough to see that chicken #2 has definitely seen better days, and Poncherello's moustache was drawn on with magic marker. He also told me to be careful taking pictures while driving because he didn't want me to get into an "accidento." Hmmm....

photo #1 courtesy of Local 6

photo #3 courtesy of Red Huber/Orlando Sentinel

All George, All Day

When I first heard GeorgeFest was coming to Central Florida, I was really hoping it was a tribute to George Clooney. Even George Castanza would be kind of cool. Or George Carlin...Boy George...George Lopez. Supertan George Hamilton would be worth driving to Eustis to see. And even though I'm ashamed to admit it, I'd probably head in that direction if it was Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go's George Michael, with or without his Wham! bandmate.

The only George's I can't muster up any excitement for are George Steinbrenner, George Washington and Curious George.

Just my luck - the festival is for George Washington. I feel bad sounding disappointed, and I realize it's unpatriotic to speak that way about an event that's been going on since 1902 when people would travel by mule to be part of the action, but it's just that I really LOVE George Clooney.

Anyway, about George Fest - the highlight of the day is the Citrus Squeeze. Each 5 member team (fully costumed, of course) creates "the wackiest contraptions to squeeze the most juice from an orange in 10 minutes." Prizes are awarded for Best Costume, Crowd Favorite and Most Creative Juicing.

They've also got a cherry pie eating contest, bed race, build your own cardboard boat contest, and a celebrity hot dog eating contest. You see, most people don't realize George Washington was a huge fan of hot dogs...and celebrities. He never missed a Jessica Tandy movie.

One other thing that seems kind of interesting at George Fest - according to the website, they've got a President's Ball. I don't know whose is on exhibit, but for curiosity's sake, I'd probably peek at any - except maybe Taft's. Hamilton pic from all posters.com

He flashed his dough & nuts

It was a busy day for the freak regime in Central Florida. First, there was the guy in Lake Mary who went to the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru in his red corvette and picked up his latte while doing the no-pants-dance...FOUR TIMES!

Alarming, don't you agree? That's a ton of caffeine!

Sure it's sexy, but clearly, he didn't get the memo that "No Pants Day" falls on May 8th this year.

But what really makes this tale twice as nice is the fact that less than one day earlier and 30 miles away, a dude in Titusville was found drunk and naked (drak-ed) in Chain of Lakes Park, tapping a kidney from the top of a watchtower, while spectators looked on in amazement at his homemade fountain act.

As a side note, Donald Duck does not wear pants either, which I see as a ringing endorsement for this type of lewd behavior in Orlando.

photos courtesy of www.nopantsday.com and Disney (those are two separate entities)

Doggie-style in Celebration

Once again, it's time for the Posh Pooch event (February 23) in the Disney-esque, litter-free, curse-free, hot-diggety, gee whiz, super swell town of Celebration.

I went to this event a couple years ago, and had an awesome time - I brought my little pup Rico Suave and actually had his paw read by the local psychic. She informed me my dog loves to go for walks and enjoys treats and biscuits, which happens to be right on the money!

As far as the Posh Pooch event goes, there are some changes this year. A recent Celebration impact study determined dog hair and fecal matter are known to blemish otherwise pristine lawns and sidewalks within the community, so the council asks that you refrain from bringing actual pets with you, and opt instead for stuffed animals and photos of your furry friends.

OK, I'm just joking.

Really, here's what you can look forward to at Posh Pooch: puppies on parade, stupid pet tricks (they actually call them "silly" pet tricks because "stupid" is an unkind word and animals are for loving and not hurting.) Also, check out the "prissy paws fashion show" (their words, not mine), the "canine couture fashion show" (which is somehow different from the aforementioned "prissy paws" event), a beauty contest, and a master/owner look-alike contest.

Organizers guarantee "a pawsitively great time!"

If it's not one bucking thing, it's another.

Sunday marked the end of another go-round for the Silver Spurs Rodeo, and I reckon it was dang fun for y'all who went. Unfortunately, with quail hunting season in full gear right now, I rarely find time to do much else - it's my passion.

With that said, I'm totally bummed I missed the Silver Spurs Bull Riding Competition, Steer Wrestlin, Calf Roping (raise your hand if you're rooting for the calf!), and Mutton Bustin' for the little ones.
Little Miss Silver Spurs was crowned in Thursday night's pageant. She and her court are now responsible for "promoting rodeo, agriculture, and 'the Western Way of life," which is a refreshing alternative to our current state of affairs - "the southern way of life":

photo 1 courtesy of Silver Spurs Rodeo

photo 2 courtesy of this

More fun from Daytona Speedway

Love is in the air at the Daytona 500. The matching his/hers "No Fear" pit crew jackets can only mean one thing - it's wedding time!

Congrats to the happy couple who said their "I-Do's" on the infield this week.

Most members of the congregation have been perched on top of RV's for the better part of the past week, but not Renaissance man John Parker of St. Pete, who rolls a little more low-key. Mr. Parker told the Orlando Sentinel he sleeps in a tent and showers with "water piped in from a garbage can heated by a turkey fryer."

Don't worry if you're not a race fan, there's lots of other fun stuff to do for Speed Week. For example, the old "put a dollar bill on the end of a fishing line and see who tries to pick it up" trick is good for hours of fun. Or, for the more mechanically inclined, install a wireless microphone into a taxidermied deer head and surprise passers-by with wiseass comments, just like Bucky Buck does.

This is Bucky Buck.

He's got a great line for people who come through the area wearing camouflage (which is every 24 seconds).

"Are you trying to hide from me?" Bucky says.

Get it? It's hunting humor.

Wish you were here!

photos courtesy of Barbara Perez, Orlando Sentinel

Gentlemen, start your engines (and shave your backs)...

It’s Daytona 500 time here in Central Florida, and something about NASCAR seems to bring out the best in people…fancy flags, face painting, tattoos, and back hair shaved in tribute to racing legends.



photo courtesy of surfer joe

All the attitude, half the Aqua Net...

I spent my Valentine's Day with HIM -
Yes, I joined my fellow camouflage/flannel wearing friends at the Amway Arena last night for the big Van Halen concert. Although David Lee Roth wasn't looking quite as Farrah as he did in days gone by, the fact that he wore striped leather pants, a polka dot shirt and a red lion tamer's hat helped me get over the sadness of missing that Brett Michaels concert last month outside of the Jimmy Neutron attraction at Universal Studios.
On the plus side, I had 8th row seats! In the negative column - I danced a lot and wore earplugs.

The concert had a lot of what you'd expect - high kicks from Dave, a crowd of people throwing devil horns, a few guys sporting rat tails, and the smell of ganja in the air.

This, however, was a bit disturbing...

Not so much because he's a 6 year-old asleep in a chair at a Van Halen concert on a school night....it's disturbing because he had better seats than me.

2nd photo courtesy of creative loafing

Hips don't lie - neither do ukuleles.

In a city based on "authentically faux experiences," I'm very happy to report on something that is the real deal.

This past weekend, we made the trek to Disney for their Saturday morning hula dance class (10am -noon) at the Polynesian Resort. I was entirely expecting some 19 year-old mainlander named Madysson to lead the whole thing, but was pleasantly surprised when Auntie Kaui arrived on the scene, ukulele in hand.
If you want to learn to shake your money maker old-school, this is the chick to show you how to do it. Auntie Kaui's got 50 years experience, so without giving away a lady's age, that makes her older than Disney World itself (but still younger than the city of St. Augustine).

She taught us a few shakes, we did some chants, and Disney provided a wardrobe of leis and grass skirts for everyone. Other than the fact that they made me wear a T-shirt under my coconut bra, it's about as close as you can get to real luau training in Orlando...in the lobby of a hotel...next to a sweaty, fat guy in a Green Bay Packers Jersey.

Discount Nikes and Freebird on the harp

Without bogging you down in all the technical details, let me just explain that sociologists have discovered a phenonemon whereby cities can actually become overloaded with culture, at which point it's inhabitants can't swing a dead fried squirrel without hitting something related to the arts. That's exactly what has happened in Orlando in recent years.

It's no longer necessary to visit the theme parks, or even International Drive, for world class entertainment. Tacky Fabulous correspondent Tim from Funkee Munkee Land has found the latest cultural contribution: a Rock-Star-Harp-Playing-Guy outside the Premium Outlets. This picture alone speaks volumes, but Tim said it's really worth catching a live performance.

"He has all the rock star moves, including the forward lean on the front leg to the beat of the music with the extended lean for musical emphasis...the one-handed solo, the crotch grinding motions for the really intense musical moments and the final exasperated release of the instrument at the end of the song because he has just poured out his heart and soul through his rock harp."

If the whole thing leaves you wanting more, the good news is that Rock-Star-Harp-Guy is selling his CD's, too - just in time for Valentine's Day.

"Fried Squirrel is a southern delicacy...you gotta know that..."

...says Mike Huckabee AGAIN. Apparently, it was such a hit the first time around on Morning Joe , his advisors encouraged him to share the recipe with Tim Russert on Meet the Press this weekend.

I don't know about you, but I'm very leery of a potential president who eats deep fried squirrel. Every good southerner knows squirrel is best prepared on a stick over an open flame, served with a side of grits. But really, as far as southern-delicacy-rodent-feasts go, you can't beat a good possum stew. Call me traditional.

In the good old days, you could watch Nitro "breakthrough and conquer" up-close while eating chicken nuggets in Kissimmee

As further testament to how truly important Orlando is in terms of pop culture, we were a stop on the tour for American Gladiator auditions this past weekend. "Big, bad athletic types" with an affinity for spandex were invited to attend.

The physical challenges were clearly less daunting than the application, which included questions like, " Have you ever had a temporary or permanent restraining order entered against you?" And then there was the section on the 8th page where applicants were asked to rate themselves on their "ability to manipulate people, street fight and tempt the opposite sex." Had I known all those great guys were going to be in one place, I would have gone trolling for dates!

Also interesting: according to the Orlando Sentinel Theme Park Rangers, Kissimmee was once home to the American Gladiators Dinner Show. Shockingly, it didn't last long, and the building now houses a church. (Not just any church - the Rock Church)

I don't understand how this attraction didn't survive...who wouldn't want to dine in the Gladiator arena? Maybe it's because Adonis wasn't around then, serving up lines like: "I'm agile like a mongoose!" But then, there was that heavenly-mulletted hero Malibu...

Tacky Fabulous Story of the Week

By now, you've probably heard about the Florida Mom who was pulled over for DUI when police spotted a case of Busch beer buckled safely into the front seat, and a one-year old jumping around in the back, unbuckled.

I hate to brag, but this is where I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that Mom. I dote on my kids AND I show my alcoholic beverages a little TLC, too...just look at my beautiful girls!

The most tacky fabulous musical performance ever!

Leave it to the guys (and girl) at Boing Boing to find this - a very unique version of "One Toke Over the Line" from the Lawrence Welk Show. I'm left with the very strong feeling that neither Mr. Welk nor "Miss Butterfly Dress" have any idea what a "toke" is, as evidenced by Lawrence signing off with: "Now you've heard a modern day spiritual by Gail and Dale..."

Please join me in welcoming "Oink the singing pig" from the Pork Chop Revue

There is nothing more tacky fabulous than a county fair - except maybe a carnival in the parking lot of a mall. I love those!

The Osceola County Fair is going on right now (until February 17th). So much to do, including a "religious rap music show" tomorrow at 3pm. The Pork Chop Revue is scheduled for 2, 4, 7 and 9pm, featuring Cousin Grumpy and Oink the singing pig. Singing what, you ask? "Old MacDonald had a farm," of course!

I'm also interested in seeing the sheep breeding show, listed on this page. What a great educational opportunity for the little ones! Also, make sure to check out the heifer grooming exhibit, Michelle's magical poodles show, the citrus tree contest, and antique tractor pull. Yee Haw!

It wouldn't be a legitimate county fair without a "Cutest Baby Contest." In this one, participants are judged in two categories - personality and western wear - the most important things on which to judge people throughout all stages of life. According to the rules, (of which there is only one), the "no removal of clothes policy" will be strictly enforced.

Huh?

photo courtesy of Abiline Reporter News

Please come to Florida for a lap dance - Grandpa wants to see the new Rambo movie.

Here's an interesting concept one Florida lawmaker is trying to push through: tax the strip clubs, and in turn, send the money to nursing homes to boost the allowances of patients on Medicare.

The money would go toward things like haircuts and movie tickets, and would come from things like "lingerie, bikini or nude modeling; body shampoos or scrubs; private shower shows; peep shows; nude, seminude or topless dancing; nude, seminude or topless waitressing; lap, friction, couch or table dancing; erotic massages or performances; nude photo sessions; and personal escort services.''

The "friction" thing interests me...is that so wrong?

Hopefully, they'll allow for different levels of sponsorship. For example, if you make a sizeable donation in the VIP room of the Doll House, one senior could upgrade to hair color services or a perm. Fun!

Then, maybe, if that tax works out, we could extend into other areas previously considered taboo. For example, the state could recognize gay marriage, then tax the happy couple and use the proceeds to feed shelter animals.

photo courtesy of: sportswrap.berecruited.com

Do Schnauzers or Rottweilers make better kissers?

Sure, this pic looks bad, but you need to realize it was taken AFTER the two of them had a really nice meal at Brio and a few Carmel Apple Martinis at Dexters.

OK, I'm kidding. For real, this firefighter gets mad props for being man enough to give CPR to several DOGS he rescued from a fire in Kissimmee yesterday. I'm sure he was really excited when the Local 6 Problem Solvers arrived on the scene with cameras in hand.

It's a bit unnerving to consider where that mouth might have been last (the dog's, not the firefighter's), but according to a report from ABC news, french kissing a dog is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged, if the dog is up-to-date on its vaccines for "parasite control."

I think I'll pass.

You can only laugh about a "firend" if you've never had one.

Cypress Gardens re-opened in December 2005 to 45 million dollars in renovations, including new rollercoasters, remodeled botanical gardens, and improved facilities, but unfortunately, no spell-check on the office computer.

I visited the park last year and had an awesome time, but I had a much better time last night on their website. One part grammatical errors and two parts useless information adds up to almost as much fun as dressing in a hoopskirt and watching a waterski show. (I said "ALMOST" as much fun).

Thanks to Tacky Fabulous reader "startlingmoniker" who recommends the Special Events section of the site. There you can find all sorts of interesting tidbits on artists scheduled to play Cypress Gardens - from Juice Newton to Wayne Newton. For example, did you know Mr. Las Vegas won "an internatinal award for his most active hobby, the breeding of Arabian stallions"...or that BJ Thomas' song Hooked on a Feeling "features the sound of an electric guitar"?

The Temptations will play there on February 17th - but with only one original member included in the mix, I think they should technically be called "The Temptation".

Most disturbing, though, is a misspelled reference to a Beach Boys tune Cypress Gardens calls "Firends" which sounds less like a song title and more like a painful medical condition affecting one's digestive tract.

A "bow and arrow event" without bows and arrows...

If you love Valentine's Day and you can't get enough of sappy cliches, you'll definitely want to head to Cypress Gardens. "Love is in the air", they promise on their website - "Start the magic all over again at our Valentine's Day Headquarters."

Sounds hot, hey?

This is all part of the "Bows and Arrows" event that runs from February 14th thru the 16th. Don't get all worked up, though, thinking it's a couple's archery gala. There are no bows and no arrows, and really nothing to do with bows or arrows, according to the website. Somebody just decided it's a great name for an event.

But, for $19.95, you can "renew your vows in one of the most beautiful places on earth." No dummy, not Machu Picchu! The most beautiful place on earth just so happens to be a theme park off Highway 540 in Polk County. Thank goodness there's a commemorative photo op (Or as they call it on the website, a "comemoritive" photo). As you renew your vows alongside other sweaty couples from the midwest and abroad, a photographer will be on hand to "capture the magic." Plus, you get a "I renewed my vows at Cypress Gardens" certificate, suitable for framing. Bet you think I'm kidding, right? Check fo yo-self!

More good news: Cypress Gardens splurged on a romantic chocolate fountain for the event. The bad news: there's a "nominal fee" to dip fruit into it.

Your Grass Kicks A$$!

Some of us will never take gold in the Olympics. We won't pen the great American novel nor will we make it to the final 10 on American Idol. We won't discover the cure for herpes. We won't trump Ken Jennings in Final Jeopardy and we won't sit on the couch alongside Tyra Banks on "a very special episode..." We won't be counted among an elite group to set a World's record for kazooing or yo-yo'ing. But maybe...just maybe....we might be awarded the prestigious "Lawn of the Month" honor.
It's the stuff dreams are made of.

Kicking it old school at Albertson's...

I love the "one-step up from food stamps" program at Albertson's grocery store. Thanks to their incentive plan for preferred shoppers, I have a complete set of bakeware, pots & pans...and I'm on my way to a new set of dishes. If all goes well, they'll offer up glassware soon, and my guests will be able to drink out of something other than plastic cups and ceramic mugs.

Here's the catch though: Albertson's uses these really prehistoric "saver stamps" that you've got to lick. Licking stamps is soooo 1970! My Mom used to lick her green stamps, as did her mother before her.

I'm as excited about licking paper from the cashier's drawer as the cashier is about being on the receiving end of my saliva sample when it's all over. After I've filled up my form, she has the enviable chore of piling her "spit on paper" collection into orderly stacks to be handed off to management.

Ummmm, excuse me...It's flu season - would it be too much to ask for self-adhesive products?

I'll take my discipline with a side of guacamole

An Orlando day care worker was fired for the old, "Shut yer yap or y'ull get a mouth full-a hot sauce" trick. The employee seasoned a toddlers tongue with a wee bit of tobasco...which proved to be the perfect recipe for "Visit from the Local 6 Problems Solvers" glazed with walking papers.

By the way, the name of the Day Care establishment is "Sugar and Spice Learning Center," so don't say they didn't warn you.